9 days before my 28th birthday at 3:36am I could possibly be laying here tossing and turning and BOTHERED by some shit that happened when I was 7🤦🏾♀️ lol
Cancers are known for forgiving but not forgetting but I really wish I would forget some shit!! I’m currently in a situation where a guy clearly wants to date me and has been COMPLETELY honest about his past and endeavors and for the life of me I can’t get over it! Wait, but not only can I not get over it I can’t address it as an adult to try and move forward either! So I’m stuck sulking in it…using my imagination (in the worse way of course) to fill in the blanks!
This leads me to wonder some things 🤔 am I accustomed to getting lied to , does the truth hurt more than a lie, and how many great things have I missed out because I couldn’t get over a small detail?? This current situation is literally eating me alive. I asked a question and he told the truth and I can’t seem to gather myself now🤦🏾♀️ the silly thing is if he would have lied to me we’d be in a better situation….I mean I wouldn’t be up at 3:48am putting imaginary pieces to an imaginary puzzle together 😩 which leads me to believe I haven’t found happiness in a man because I haven’t discovered the art of letting go…of getting over shit…of living in my truth and accepting someone else’s!!!
That’s where sabotage comes in, but thats a whole new blog🤦🏾♀️
Dear Future Husband,
I hope that you are preparing yourself for me as I am preparing myself for you!! I’ve dreamed of you my entire life….and if you’re reading this then dreams really do come true!! I’d like you to know that I may be difficult, unintentionally of course. I have not yet witnessed love it’s pure form…I have practiced a few times but they weren’t you so it didn’t work! I’ve been a sucker for friends my entire life but I hope you’re ok with being my best friend above all else!! I promise to always laugh at your corny jokes and cheer for your team unless you’re a Cowboys fan…but then again I know God wouldn’t send me a Cowboys fan!! Lol I hope I find you while we are both young enough to have kids…it’s very important to me to have a few kids that have my eyes, your nose, my laugh, your charm, and probably your hair but we can decide on that part later. I like the names Bailey and Brody but I’ll take your input into consideration 😜 but before kids I’d like to travel with you…that’s when I’m my freest self!! The world has so much to offer and I hope that you are willing to take advantage of it with me!! I hope that your into doing dishes….I love cooking but dishes aren’t my strong point!! I enjoy kissing and cuddling and I WIll rub my feet on you when I’m cold!! I hope you enjoy art but also enjoy trap music!! It would be nice if you had a huge family my family is tiny so it would be great to get a feel of the huge family life!! Please choose mayo over miracle whip and be really into seafood!! I’m terrible with budgeting so please know that the family budget is all your job!! I plan on being a flight attendant for the rest of my life so I’ll need you to independent enough to survive when I’m away but dependent enough to need me when I’m home!! Oh, when we have kids please plan to gain weight with me…teamwork baby🤘🏾 I know that you’ll be patient enough with me to get through my bad days….as you’ve be patient enough to find me!! And when I say bad days I mean the days where my only child syndrome gets the best of me or days when I feel fat and I’m just not happy with anything or anyone 😩😂 I know relationships are 50/50 deals but understand that when it comes to driving that will be your job %100 of the time 🤷🏾♀️ If there is ever a point in our relationship that you feel like you want to see other people…talk to me I’m sure we can work it out or if not I can do different wigs, change my accent, and role play!!😂😩 I plan on being your biggest fan in all of your endeavors!! Although society has changed I hope that you still acknowledge gender roles!! I’m not really good at being dependent or submissive but by the time you get to me I’m sure I’ll have it together!! I have no rhythm so I hope you do for the kids sake!! When I fall asleep on the plane understand that it is your job to get me a drink and food…always choose the chicken option!! I look forward to connecting with you mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally!! I understand that your past is your past….but when you’re ready for me just be sure you’re done with them!! In my mind you’re so strong, so brave, so caring ,so bold….with just the right amount of sensitive!! I pray that we’ll be equally yoked. Do know that there’s no way out…there’s no quitting , giving up, giving in, or getting tired!! No breaks, no recess, no intermission….just consider me your forever fight!! I haven’t met you but I can already tell I love you more than anything in the world!!
Your Future Wife
I thought I was a normal person living a normal life….until I told my story aloud!!
In my mind I’m a normal 27 that had “different” beginnings….apparently there’s nothing normal about me!!
Born to teenage parents who were essentially products of their environment. I was born on my dads 17th birthday. Unfortunately he had gotten into some trouble a few months before and was serving a jail sentence for armed robbery or something of that nature. I mean just imagine being 16 with your second kid on the way…I could imagine his back was to the wall and he did what he felt was necessary!! My mom had a few…or a lot of criminal dealings as well. Growing up the child of a drug addict gives you a different kind of tough skin I’m sure!! She too, to my understanding, did the best she could with the circumstances at hand! For a great deal of her life she sold drugs. I actually remember baby food jars being used to “cook up” crack cocaine using a hot plate!! And all the great shit I got as s kid from addicts selling anything for their next hit!
So I’ve never really lived with my parents…there’s been times when my mom lived with me and my grandma but I don’t ever recall a time were it was just me and mom or me and dad. My grandmother assumed the role, and did a great job if you ask me, of being my mom! She stayed on drugs until I was about 6…it’s crazy because she still tells the story it’s like she just decided she had to change for me no rehab just prayer and a change of setting! We moved from Algiers to Marrero and things were uphill from there!!
Growing up is when I kinda felt different…all of my friends lived with their parents. And to make matters worse I was the only child by my mom so I really didn’t have anyone to relate, no one shared my struggle…that I knew of. I’d say I was a good kid other than the fact that I hated bathing 😩 seriously baths use to make me itch!! lol I had a routine…I sat on the edge of the tub and washed 1 arm because my grandma would always do the smell check!! Eventually she caught on to me…maybe the crystal clear water gave it away!!😂 it’s safe to say %90 of my whoopings were somehow related to me bathing!! Thank God I grew out of that right 😩😂😩😂
I was never a popular kid and I’d do anything to make friends! I diagnosed myself with type 2 only child syndrome…main symptom is being socially retarded! lol I was willing to give away anything to gain a friend…snacks, toys, money, you name it!!! But I couldn’t deal with anyone for to long😩 one summer Ashley came down from Mississippi to stay with us and about a week in I was asking my grandma to tell her to go home😩😂😩 I just couldn’t deal!! I didn’t do well in competitive situations either…6th grade year I tried out for the dance team back then I was even a more horrible dancer than I am now…of course I didn’t make the team😩😂 I spent my entire homeroom period crying my eyes out😩 so my homeroom teacher ended up talking the dance team coach into letting me on the team😂 and in high school I was the first Katrina evacuee to arrive…I’m sure they felt sorry for me so I was asked what I’d like to do…so I became a cheerleader 😎 wasn’t good at that either but I was apart of the team!!
Working was the first thing I liked and was good at!! I’m one hell of and interviewer and the idea of independence has always been exciting to me!
To be continued….